I will never forget the day I was hooked to anxiety and depression due to my failed marriage. It was the worst days of my life that I couldn’t fathom. It’s as if everything was always dark and it feels suffocating. I thought there’s no way out of it. I thought it would never end. I thought everything would never be okay. Each day I slowly lose all the hope I have, and I continuously removed myself from the grip of faith. I found myself in the dark, alone, scared, and vulnerable.
One thing I seemed to understand about mental illness is the undeniably painful and exhausting battle I have to endure. Every decision, every choice, and every reason doesn’t seem to matter. There’s nowhere to go. My mental, emotional and physical health got drained. It was an overwhelming feeling of nothingness. There are constant stress and restlessness. There were sleepless nights and changes in eating habits. I became distant from everyone else because I was afraid of my thoughts. I began to think of wanting to leave it all behind. My condition got worse week by week until I ended up hurting myself. It was painful, but a little bit satisfying.
Every time I feel anxious and depressed, I immediately turn to hurt myself. It’s due to the little amount of satisfaction I received when I first did it. Though it sometimes reaches a limit and significantly torments me in an unexplainable way, I couldn’t stop. I can only think about how great it is to divert the emotional and mental agony I have to something that’s entirely there – physical pain. It’s been a sweet escape for a while until I almost died.
I thought at first “I need to die” or at least “I want to die.” However, when I was literally on the line, something hit me. Suddenly I came to imagine things that I won’t be able to do when I’m gone. I will never be able to spend time with my family and friends, I will never be able to experience having kids on my own, I will never be able to smile and laugh about the good stuff around me, and I will never live up the moment where I can experience great things in life. With these realizations, I got even more scared. But it’s not due to anxiety or depression, but because of losing everything valuable to me.
I’m not saying that people in the same situation as mine should consider harming themselves to be able to realize their worth. All I’m trying to say is that I’m grateful for that particular moment that nothing happened to me. It was the worse yet the best treasured moment of my whole existence. I received a second chance to help myself.
Anxiety and depression are the worst enemies a person could ever have. It can take everything away and leaves nothing but emotional and mental torture. However, the idea of not giving up and continuously fight for self-betterment is always a great battle to win.